52: Thoughts on Thoughts

I like to think a lot. Actually, I overanalyze most of the time. I look at even the smallest of details, the littlest of things. I also like to think about the what if's, the what-could-be's, and the if-only's. Yes, I do a lot of counterfactual thinking. My mind's busy now more than ever, though.

How can you really be sure about something? If you say you just feel it, then what feeling should you wait for exactly? How do you know know that that's the feeling you're waiting for? Is it simply based on your instinct, or is there some other objective means to determine the feeling? Aren't there more realistic signs and symbols that actually tell you what the heck it is that you're finding? No hints? No arrows?

We live in such uncertainty that, at times, it can be scary. Where are we really going? And what do we really want to be? But maybe, this uncertainty is the same thing that keeps us going. Still, I ask: when and where does the uncertainty end? Do we end ever end up certain about anything? If it's not unanswerable by a yes or a no, if we're stuck in the in-between's and the I-don't-know's, then are we actually going somewhere? Are we led to a path with a concrete end, or are we just endlessly moving to nowhere?

51: Calories

Shemay, I almost finished a bag of Nagaraya. It's 150 calories per serving, and one bag is 6 servings. UUUUGH. Halos naubos ko na 'yung isang pack eh! Wala din 'yung tinakbo ko kanina :|

50: Life

"Life's too short to be unhappy all the time, so if you know what truly makes you happy, you have to go and get it. Don't make money the center of your being. Hang with people who know how to live life before you lose your youth and vibrance, but know your limits. Also learn how to stick up for yourself because if you don't, there might come a time when nobody will, just because life has the uncanny ability to surprise us when we least expect."

-Armi Millare, Up Dharma Down

49: Flicker

Who are we?

If not for clarity, if not for light, how can we be defined?

In darkness, in blur, do we remain?

48: Seven Financial Stewardship Strategies

1. Save.
2. Give.
3. Get out of debt/stop borrowing money.
4. Live a simple life.
5. Invest.
6. Educate yourself.
7. Pray before you pray.

47: Wherever

46: We Are Pandas

One night, my brother and I transformed into a different kind of mammal.

45: Make Up

I'm more than 10 posts behind, oh golly. But I'll catch up, you'll see.

44: Validation

Stop now, Bea.

43: Game Plan

We were given the day off today so that we could study for our terror exams next weeks. I honestly need to study my butt off because I haven't really understood anything from the lectures yet. I haven't read my books nor finished even a third of our transes either. I. AM. DEAD.

But instead of stressing out about how indiligent I am as a student, I'm gonna shift all my energies into making these three study days work. I can do this.

Neuro, I will conquer you. No removal exam for you, you'll see. Game on.

Off to making my three-day study schedule now.

42: Relief

Yesterday was not a good day. I had a lot on my mind, was disappointed with myself for not being productive, and got really pissed off with someone that I burst into tears. But thank you to these awesome men in my life who made things better and tried to give me the proper perspective that I needed.

Chad and Aaron, you're words and jokes really helped after that cry fest. Thank you so much for staying with me until the tears dried :)

And to Borbs and my Kuya Andre, thank you for bringing comfort not just in the form of yummy food (Mcdo fries and Dunkin Donuts, for more satisfying yet heavy calories haha), but also by trying to make me smile. Thank you for always reminding me that I have to stop a bit, learn to let go, stop worrying too much, chill and just let things fall into their proper places. Thank you for always being here for me :)

Better days ahead, I am sure of it.

41: Struggling

Bakit ang tamad-tamad ko lang? As in sobrang antukin at walang drive, to think that I have a neurological exam preceptorial to attend to later. Spirit of perseverance, please take me away from this unproductive phase.

40: So Little Time, So Much To Do

I fell asleep last night when I had four important things to do on my to-do list. I wasn't able to accomplish any.

@$W#%Q$@!!!

Then breathe.

One thing at a time, Bea. Kaya mo 'yan.

39: This Is Me

..At past 1 AM.

38: Mutual Weirdness

"We are all a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them, fall in mutual weirdness, and call it love." -Dr. Seuss

37: Four Eyes

I went to the optometrist today and had a new pair of eyeglasses made. I broke my old pair when I slept while wearing them on. I know, ang fail ko lang :| Anyway, at the eye clinic, I found out that the grade of my eyes rose to a whopping 250 and 275 from a grade of 100-ish on both eyes! After hearing the bad news, I suddenly regretted reading my books when the lights were dim, not following my parents when they told me to use the lamp shades they bought me for reading, and pushing myself to read while in a moving vehicle. I remember the time when I was so proud of myself for having 20-20 vision, thinking that my eyes would stay perfect forever and ever. It never crossed my mind that I would be part of the four eyes federation, nor did I imagine that my eyes would be as bad as it is now.

Oh, well. Looks like the nerdy look is here to stay.

36: Instant Curls

Easy tutorial on how to curl your hair with a sock. Yes, a sock! I haven't tried this yet, but I will surely do very soon! I just hope my locks are long enough. Curls curls curls!

35: Predisposed

"Embryologically, the brain pushes the heart."

34: Born This Way

I'm beautiful in my way

'Coz God makes no mistakes

Amazing song. Amazing cover. Amazing young Filipina.

33: Here I Go Again

The first time I saw this, I cried. Seriously, tears trickled from my rest-less eyes for around a minute. I was so stressed and tired then, and being appointed a position this significant was something that I did not want to find out at that moment. But now that I've breathed a bit and restored my sane self, I can honestly say that I'm really thankful and privileged to be Scope's next Associate Editor. I can say that I am happy.

Yes, I am still overwhelmed. And yes, I am anxious. Terrified is the better term to sum up what I'm feeling, actually. Although I have lots of experience with publications, Scope is still different. It's a medical school publication--a post-grad publication. Different people. Different crowd. Different issues and topics. Different expectations. A different level of maturity. Plus, I became an active member just recently, so I don't really know how the organization works. I also don't know too many members. I think I know less than a third of the members, and majority of these are simply familiar by face. So there's a lot of learning new things, relearning old tricks, meeting lots of people, and adapting to several changes in store for me.

But after some contemplation, I realized that maybe I need this. Maybe I should return to what I love doing. Maybe the stress I'm experiencing will be a bit bearable if I won't cage myself to just one thing, which is studying to become a good doctor. Maybe I need to stress myself with other things, too--things that may tire me, take up my time, effort and money, and consume my energy, yet still bring fun and happiness in my life. They say that the key to a good life is a balance of everything, so maybe I should balance the stress as well? Haha. I seriously missed real writing, designing and layouting though, and I think it missed me as well.

Balancing my responsibilities as Assoc Ed with surviving second year of med school (which is said to be the hardest of all year levels) will indeed be the ultimate challenge for me. But I shouldn't just grow into a good doctor. I should (and can) grow into a good doctor who decided to live her other passions in life, too.

I already accepted the position, so here goes to a more toxic but hopefully more meaningful and fulfilling school year ahead. Good luck to me! :)